Two-on-Two MMA Fights Coming To Arizona

Photo of future Frankie Edgar opponent, property of StiffJab.com

by Dr. Octagon, J.D.

Just when we feared MMA was losing its legitimacy as a sport due to uncompetitive matchups designed solely for television ratings, MMAJunkie is reporting there will be two on two fighting at the Paradise Casino in Yuma, Arizona. Obviously, this completely redeems everything.

So how is this going to work? Well, for starters the weight classes are determined by adding the weights of the two together. So you could get a dwarf and a heavyweight against two middleweights or somethings similar. If there’s a knockout, they take a break and then the guy left standing has to fight both the other fighters. And to think I was complaining about Chael Sonnen versus Jon “Bones” Jones being a lopsided contest.[[MORE]]

Why yes, you’re damned right the fights will take place on an Indian reservation, how did you know? Oh yeah, because no athletic commission in the country would possibly sanction this shit. Indian reservations, however, can do whatever the fuck they want. Congress passed the Muhammed Ali Boxing Act about a decade ago to help regulate boxing on Indian reservations, because things were getting out of control. But those enterprising indigenous folk found a pretty slick loophole: the Boxing Act didn’t cover mixed martial arts.

This has allowed former heavyweight titlist Tommy Morrison box to despite having HIV. They just call it MMA and then tell them not to grapple or kick. So yeah, Indian reservations have casinos, tax-free cigarettes, two-on-two fighting, and you can still box if you have HIV. Basically it is the libertarian paradise. Ayn Rand would love this shit if she wasn’t dead. Consenting adults should be able to do whatever the fuck they want. Right?

I’m currently working on a business proposal for a fighting league in which people fight vicious animals, like back in Roman times, when they really knew how keep the masses properly entertained. There would be a referee with tranquilizer darts or a taser and the human could submit verbally or the ref could step in if he (or she) was really getting mauled and/or gnawed. Bloodborne illnesses would be alright, so long as they’re not transferable to animals. Investors are welcome.

I’ll probably have a Kickstarter up in a couple of days if you guys want to contribute, but I might just keep all your money and not do shit like the guy from the Animal Collective. If any of our readers have access to a (smallish) bear, a puma, a jaguar (if jaguars are different from pumas) or a wolf please contact me. Basically any animal that a large and unintelligent human could maybe beat without any weapons. The prize money will be whatever Kickstarter money I don’t foolishly squander on scotch and Pay Per View. Should be quite sporting.