The State of a Knicks Fan in Ditmas Park in Fall of 2014

by James Marceda

I’ve been trying to imagine a scenario in which someone might enjoy watching this year’s Knicks. To be more specific, I’ve been trying to imagine a scenario in which someone might enjoy watching this year’s Knicks as currently constructed. It’s a long season, and nobody knows what will happen between now and April – chemistry could develop, players could get traded – but April is far away and we have many months of commuting home in the dark ahead of us.

Here’s the best I can come up with: Carmelo Anthony has slept with, beaten, or murdered your significant other, child, grandmother, favorite teacher, bodega guy, or pet (yes, I’m aware that not all of these permutations work – I don’t really care whom my bodega guy sleeps with, for instance). But even then I’m not entirely convinced that you’d enjoy watching the games, no matter how foolish the Knicks make themselves look. You might like knowing that the Knicks keep losing or that your grandmother’s murderer has a well-below-league-average PER, but would you really want to watch the dude who gave your wife the pipe (assuming you’re in a heteronormative monogamous relationship) run around for two and a half hours accomplishing impressive athletic feats as his shimmering body gathers sweat? Everyone is different of course, but no amount of schadenfreude, something I’m not generally against, could make me want to spend 10 hours a week with the guy who diddled my cat.

As a fan of the Knicks I can tell you with absolute certainty that there is very little joy to be had in this year’s games. [[MORE]]Sure, it’s neat when the Triangle clicks. Yes, I enjoy when Cole Aldrich takes his teeth out. Ok, Shumpert looks like he might not stink on offense. I agree, things could get better this year, and yeah, they might get a lot better in 2015 when the Knicks land…Marc Gasol? Maybe? But right now they stink. They’re losing and they’re losing ugly. Nobody likes watching a losing team, right?

Well, sometimes they do. The Knicks own their first round draft pick for the first time in 169 years, so in theory we should be able to root for a well executed tank job knowing that the Knicks could land a stud in the draft, but a) I wipe my ass with theories (literally - the theory of relativity is covered in shit at the bottom of my waste basket) and b) this may not be a great year for the Knicks to tank.

Multiple league sources confirm that high draft picks are generally good to have, but if you’re hoping to ride Carmelo Anthony to a championship before age sets in or Kevin Garnett rips his arms clean off his torso, do you have the time to develop a lottery pick into a contributing piece on a championship team? If you draft well you’ll have a nice player no matter what, and I agree that that’s nice, but the timing may be awkward enough that Melo’s basically cooked by the time Draft Stud X is fully developed. Wouldn’t it be better if a couple of players on this year’s roster pleasantly surprised us and the Knicks were good enough to get to, say, the second round? Given the slim window they have with Carmelo, this year’s team being an absolute train wreck hardly seems like the optimal outcome. Even if they land the top pick in the draft, there’s no guarantee they won’t find themselves with the next Kwame Brown.

And who knows how good this year’s draft class will be? Literally. I’m asking. I don’t watch college basketball because the players stink and I’m a grown ass man with grown ass man responsibilities. I only have so many hours in my fleeting life to dedicate to guys throwing balls into baskets. I’ve got a lot of those hours, mind you, arguably way too many, but I’m not giving any of them to regular season college basketball (Final Four is chill). After last year’s thick and creamy bumper crop of draftees, what are the odds that the pond has been adequately restocked with the kind of Grade-A farm fresh salmon we need to build a true contender? I’m guessing the odds are low, but I’m not a mathmologist, so who can say. At the end of the day. When you get right down to it. All things considered. Etc.

Then you’ve got the issue of free agency, as touched upon earlier. Lots of people think it will be harder to recruit free agents if the team stinks, which seems plausible enough. Rings are in vogue these days. They might even be en vogue. Everyone seems to want one of those shiny symbols of the profession’s ultimate achievement. I get it.

But over here, chilling in the proverbial other hand with a good book and a glass of Bordeaux, is Phil Jackson and a pile of money. He hasn’t extended anyone’s contract, no matter how small, enabling him to build the team from something very much resembling scratch. I’m not willing to bet against his ability to talk to players X, Y, and Z and convince them that he is in fact Phil Jackson. I imagine the pitch goes something like this “Hi, I’m Phil Jackson. I know what I’m doing. Come to New York and make a lot of money and have a great time and know that I won’t do anything heinously stupid to fuck up our chances. If you help me recruit players Y and Z we’ll win a championship in the next couple of years. You think I’m bullshitting you? I’m Phil Jackson. I have 11 rings. Namaste.”

/disappears in purple cloud of smoke

Like I said, I’m not willing to bet against that. But I’d be lying if I said I’m not the tiniest bit worried that the Knicks will be so unbelievably awful this year that a lot of guys who might be on the fence about coming to New York will shmoney dance to the “no thanks” side of the pickets.

What it comes down to is this: I’m generally very comfortable rooting for a shit team (god knows I’ve had practice), but I’m not sure this isn’t the one year that it doesn’t make sense for the Knicks to completely tank.

In the meantime I’m stuck watching garbage. I mean that in all due respect, because I know these guys work their insanely talented asses off. I’m not one of the people who will get on Tim Hardaway Jr., for instance, for comments about the Knicks not trying last year. Do you have any idea what a pain in the ass it is to get on an airplane? I’d never stop complaining if I had to fly as much as these guys do. Forget the basketball for a second. Think how much it would suck to get on a plane 100+ days a year to go to places like Cleveland, Sacramento, and… /shudders… Boston. On top of all that you’ve got to work out and learn plays and deal with Paul Pierce’s smelly armpits (they smell like Idiazabal cheese). I know these guys work hard, and I know they’re better than 99% of basketball players in the world, but relative to the rest of the league there’s no disputing what kind of basketball team we’re seeing right now. A garbage one. A stinky, poopy, garbage one. This team, at this moment, sucks.

That’s why it’s ok if you find yourself turning off the game in the third quarter when Evan Fournier goes on a personal 76-2 run. For one thing, what are you, twelve? Do you really care if someone judges you for how you watch sports? But more than that, I want you to know that however you consume this trash heap of basketball is ok with me. I won’t judge you no matter what you do. It could be anything! Don’t feel bad, for instance, if you abandon the game to watch Frasier for the 29th time this week. Don’t think twice (it’s alright) before making yourself another Manhattan. It’s fine. Life is difficult. You deserve to feel a little tipsy if that’s what you’re into. Don’t sweat it if you start thinking about Frasier’s relationship with his dad. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could salvage a relationship with your dad? Maybe you should reach out to him for the first time in two years. He’s put your family through a lot. He’s put you through a lot. And maybe he’s not capable of being the father you want, but he is your father, and something keeps tugging at you, telling you you should talk to him. Maybe some good will come of it, you know? Oh look, Niles is getting shot down by Daphne again. Frasier has such a loveable way of giving him a hard time, doesn’t he? Maybe it makes you think of your brother. That’s certainly possible. Is it really that big of a deal that your dad didn’t go to your brother’s wedding? Time heals all wounds, right? And let’s be honest here for a second. You’re not so perfect yourself, you know. When’s the last time you called that brother you’re so protective of? He left you a really nice voicemail on your birthday and you never called him back, did you? When was that? Two months ago? And how often do you clean your cat’s litter box? Once a week? This is a living thing we’re talking about here. It has dreams and emotions and gets scared when you turn on the vacuum. It has agency. You brought this sentient creature into your apartment, held it captive, and here you are letting it shit in a box filled with week-old piss. That’s not very nice, is it? Who are you to judge your dad? Does free will even exist?

/CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY

That’s right. I’m here to tell you that it’s fine to take a break from the Knicks now and then, but every now and then you should turn the game back on. The NBA is a game of runs, after all, and you wouldn’t want to miss the inevitable fourth quarter rally that falls juuuuuuust short in the most agonizing way possible (Pablo getting raptured at the free throw line?). It will be upsetting, I know, but Phil Jackson is a man we can trust. He seems that way, anyway, doesn’t he? Isn’t it nice that he talks to the media? Doesn’t it make you feel like he’s in control? I don’t mind spiraling into the abyss if I’m there with someone who tells me everything is going to be ok. Someone who’s willing to say, “Shhhhhhhhhh, my child. Shhhhhhh. Everything’s going to be alright. It’s supposed to look this way. It’s ugly, I know, and there’s a lot of corn and everything smells like asparagus, but we’ll get you out of this shit filled toilet one day, and we’ll get you out of it as a team. Here, have a slice of Easter pie. You like Easter pie, right? I thought you did. Do you want it heated up or is it fine like this? Heated up? No problem. Of course I’ll stay in the kitchen with you while we wait for the stove to preheat. It’ll give us time to chat. How are things with you, James? I mean really. No bullshit. Is there anything you want to talk about? Let it out, James. Uncle Phil – haha, no, not that Uncle Phil – knows what you’re going through. We all have struggles. Even someone like me. I seem like I have it all, don’t I? Well, let me tell you a little secret. I’m terrified of death. Scares the piss out of me. Gives me ulcers. All that jazz. Thats not the important thing, though. You know what’s the important thing? The important thing is that we learn from our struggles, that we minimize the amount of time we stress over things we can’t control, and that we find time to appreciate the good things in life, things like laughing at the Mercy video with a good friend. Isn’t there something silly about those supposedly tough rappers running around a parking garage in bank robber couture while Kanye stares into the camera? It’s silly, right (sick beat, tho)? Also, this might sound trite, but you should exercise more. Not only have you specifically put on weight, but everyone’s mental state deteriorates when they stop exercising. Its a thing. No, no, it’s totally a thing. It’s about endorphins, largely. Say, you want to play HORSE? I find exercise more palatable when a game is involved. And James? I know you know this, but I love you. You’re a good person who has made mistakes, but you are a good person, and I love you. Oh look, oven’s ready!”