The Fourth Judge: Trying On Pants With Stink Ass
My ass always stinks on the day I buy a new pair of pants, and it’s always the sneaky kind of ass stink. The kind you don’t realize you have until you take off your pants in a changing room and are suddenly confronted with olfactory proof that you can’t take a shit like a normal human being.
I’m always scared that my ass stink is going to make its way out of the changing room, which, let’s face it, is little more than a glorified bathroom stall. If my nose can process the stench and it’s only a couple of feet away from my anus, why can’t the cute salesgirl standing on the other side of the door smell it too? [[MORE]]
I also worry that I’m going to get sharticles on the pants, but I don’t let it bother me too much. For one thing, I rarely put clothes back after I try them on. Even if whatever I’m trying on doesn’t fit me that well I’m probably going to buy it. I’ll buy anything that doesn’t cut off blood flow. I just want to get out of the store as quickly as possible. And hey, it’s not like I planned any of this. If I come back some other time there’s no guarantee that the same thing won’t happen again. In fact, there’s a 70% chance that my ass smells horrible on any given day, no matter what my plans are. Once I start the pants-buying process I might as well just power through it.
My computer keeps telling me “Congratulations! You’ve won!” even though I haven’t won anything and I’m in the middle of watching pirated episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm that Cablevision just sent me a warning notice for downloading illegally. What’s causing this shit, THE IRONY VIRUS!?
Nature Valley bars produce the most crumbs of any food item known to man. You can lay a tarp down if you want to eat one without turning your apartment into war-torn Bosnia, but that isn’t always convenient, so sometimes you have to rely on advanced mastication technique to minimize the spillage. The only way to tackle this problem is to wrap your lips around the bar in such a way that the bite takes place behind a wall you’ve formed with your slobbering mouth hole. It’s a maneuver that, quite frankly, I’m not entirely comfortable executing, especially in public. Does that make me homophobic?
Steve Jobs died the other day. Since his soul was more important than the thousands of other souls that leave this earth every day, let’s take a moment to mourn his loss as a nation, race, and multi-generational physical manifestation of universal consciousness.
/45-minute dismissive jerkoff motion
Speaking of Nature Valley bars, every morning I buy a Nature Valley bar from the vending machine at work for $1.00. The other day I saw a box of 12 Nature Valley bars for $6 at CVS, so I went back to my lab, did a few calculations, took a 1 hour lunch break, did a few more calculations, then realized, “Holy shit! I’d be a fool not to!” But now that I own my own box of Nature Valley bars I eat three of them a day, eliminating any potential savings from the bulk purchase. In fact, if my abacus isn’t broken, it would appear that I spend a full 50 cents more per day on Nature Valley bars than I did before that fateful trip to CVS.
The lesson, as always, is to make sure you have plenty of snacks around when you’re smoking weed or you’ll eat all the food you had earmarked for future meals. It’s advice that’s just as relevant today as it was when it was first coined by Confucius during his second visit to Camp David during the war of 1812.
I started smoking weed in the middle of that last paragraph.
Sometimes when I have sex with a girl the next time I see her I feel awkward doing something relatively uncomplicated like sitting next to her. I have trouble figuring out how to physically exist near someone after I’ve spent a significant amount of time inside of them. Now that we know what we’re capable of, why settle for so much less? I don’t care if this is a gyro stand, shouldn’t I be fingering you right now?
I think it happens when you move “too fast.” It’s strange to know someone physically better than you know them emotionally. The only way to kill the awkwardness is to make out some more, which leads to more sex. It’s a vicious cycle. If anyone finds a way out, let me know in the comments section.
Hey, do you guys remember the UniverSOUL Circus?