The Fourth Judge

I love it when someone uses the stall I just took a shit in.  It never doesn’t make me laugh, and really, why shouldn’t it? A stranger now has to squeeze poop out of his butt hole knowing full well that another stranger was just in there doing the exact same horrifyingly disgusting thing. Abstractly we all know that other people shit in the toilets we use, but in this situation the poor guy has to literally feel the heat generated by my revolting, hairy buttocks. I know the heat is quietly horrifying him, but he can’t do anything about it. He’s stuck there and I’ve won the game of life for the next few minutes.

We don’t spend much time thinking about public bathrooms because they tend to be unpleasant places that cause unpleasant experiences, but the stuff that goes on in there, both legal and not, is endlessly fascinating to me. I’d watch a 7-season TV series that takes place exclusively in public bathrooms. It could be reality or scripted. Doesn’t matter. I’d download the hell out of it after the first three seasons were finished then watch it on a weekly basis for the rest of its run.[[MORE]]

It’s kind of a head trip that my future wife is roaming around Earth right now completely unaware that I exist. But what’s really out there is that it’s a distinct possibility that my future wife is getting a face full of jizz from some random dude AS WE SPEAK.

Maybe my wife is out there with the dude she thinks she’s going to marry, just getting soaked in jizz and fucking loving every second of it. Maybe she’s savoring the smell and the flavor and the heat and viscosity. I mean, why wouldn’t she? Why shouldn’t she? Sex is healthy. Sex is amazing. At various points in my life I’ve convinced myself that sex is the only good reason for living. I would never marry someone who didn’t love sex as much as I do. It just wouldn’t happen.

So really, in a way, I hope that my wife is out there fucking dudes and loving it. I hope she likes to swallow cum. I hope she likes to sit on dudes’ faces and make them eat her pussy and lick her asshole while she blows them. I hope she sucks balls and tickles grundles and rides dicks reverse cowgirl while dudes smoke a blunt.

Anyway, let’s never speak of this again.

I run up the stairs whenever possible. I don’t know when I started doing this but it’s been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I run up subway steps. I run up the steps of my apartment, and I’ve even caught myself running up steps at work, which is awkward when you almost knock over the CEO (true story).

Who can resist the allure of stair running? I mean, we haven’t even talked about running down stairs. Have you ever run down stairs then jumped the last 5 or 6 while holding onto the railing? It’s intoxicating. I don’t care how close it comes to parkour, I fucking love stair running and I’m never going to stop.

I hate it when a desire to drink coffee and a need to go to the bathroom happen simultaneously. It means I have to walk all the way to the bathroom, all the way back to my desk, then walk all the way to the coffee machine and all the way back to my desk again. I’m tempted to bring my coffee mug into the shitter, but I know that’s frowned upon by society and I don’t exactly want to get sharticles in my drinking vessel anyway. So off I go, trudging back and forth like a fucking ASSHOLE while the whole office mocks me behind my back. I know they’re all laughing about it amongst themselves. Fucking baboons.

What’s your go-to move when you see someone at the elevator you don’t want to ride with? I do a couple of things, but none of them are that great and I’m looking for alternatives. One thing I try is to make a quick left to the bathroom, but that presents its own set of problems if I don’t really have to go. Sometimes I pat my pants and pretend I left my phone at my desk, but then I have to walk all the way back to my desk, which, as I said above, fucking sucks. Other times I take out my phone and start fake texting someone, but that’s just bullshit because I could easily do that on the elevator. The other person has to know I fucking despise them.

Anyway, my point is that my moves all suck. I need something new. What do you guys do? For the love of God will somebody just help me?

I’ve become really good at guessing how big a glob of grape jelly I need to knife out in order for it to spread evenly over the whole slice of bread. I’m talking about the grape jelly that’s like a solid jello blob in the jar. There’s no bits of grape. Just grape jello substance. I don’t know if the term “jelly” tells you that so go fuck yourself. Anyway, it spreads weird, and if you’ve ever used it, you know that making this measurement correctly without having to double dip into the jar is no small feat.

Not only am I great at guessing how big that blob should be, but I spread it with incredible efficiency. Again, if you’ve ever worked with this kind of jelly you know that’s not always a smooth operation. I don’t hesitate to claim a mastery over this art that few on the planet can rival – past, present, or future. I challenge you to a jelly spreading competition if you think I’m bullshitting you.

This afternoon I saw a man walking down the street who was unsteady on his feet, like a victim of cerebral palsy, though I couldn’t make an official diagnosis with my limited medical knowledge. He was a heavy man, and his ambulatory style gave him a distinctly ogreish quality. After walking behind him for a step or two, I noticed that he had gum on the bottom of his shoe, and that the gum was stretching out from the sidewalk to his shoe every time he took a step before snapping back to his shoe again.

What was I supposed to do with this mental image? Was I seriously not supposed to laugh quietly, respectfully, and to myself? Obviously whatever makes this man walk this way is tragic. I feel very sorry for him and I have no doubt that he leads a very difficult life.

But the facts of the case are this:

1) He was fat and walked like a deranged goon

2) He had gum stuck to his shoe that comically stretched out every time he took a step.

That’s a funny image no matter what his life struggles are. We’re all going to die of something and we’re all going to have horrible shit happen to us. Even if you’re some rich asshole who grew up with every advantage you’ve probably had twelve abortions or watched your son get raped to death by a pack of wild dogs in Buenos Aires. We all have to deal with bullshit, so when something funny happens I’m going to laugh. Suck a cunt if you don’t like it, you self-righteous pricks (not you guys specifically, but you know what I mean).