The Fourth Judge

Right now there’s a poster in New York City subway cars that says:

We used to have 167 phone numbers. Now we have three. Soon we’ll have one.

The MTA is proud of this.

This is what you tell your boss to convince her you actually work from time to time, not a reason to puff your chest out.

“There used to be 2 rows in this spreadsheet. Now there are 3. Soon I will scroll to a different section of this spreadsheet so you don’t see the same exact screen every time you walk past my cubicle.”

This poster reminds me of the time I didn’t pay a bill for my company’s online conferencing system for three months because it got embarrassing after two. That’s not what you want your customers thinking about if you’re trying to convince them you’re working hard.[[MORE]]

It’s pretty weird that people say being gay is unnatural as a way of arguing that it’s wrong, especially when you think about how horrifying 99% of the natural world is. There are a bunch of motherfuckers running around that look like this:

yet some people flip a shit when someone who looks like this:

wants to fondle and/or caress someone who looks like this:

because it’s unnatural. You know what’s natural? Coprophagia. That happens in nature all the time, and there are a trillion other disgusting things/creatures/sexual habits just like it (leave your favorites in the comments section). Who gives a shit what nature does with its spare time?

Nature is horrifying. Fuck nature.

So, um…you turn your underwear inside out and put it on the chair before you jerk off, right? I’ve never talked about this with anyone before so be gentle if it turns out I’m some sort of freak show.

I made some really good mushrooms last night. I sauteed them in garlic and olive oil over medium heat for 6-7 minutes; seasoned them with salt, pepper, thyme, and oregano; then threw in a chopped shallot at the end. I would’ve used rosemary, but I didn’t have any fresh rosemary on me, and after you’ve used fresh rosemary using dried rosemary seems somehow disrespectful, like you’re disappointing someone you love. They’re not even angry, they’re just disappointed, which hurts much worse.

Sometimes I wish my dick smelled like fresh rosemary.

My cat likes to pass the time by suckling on a towel I use as a mat for doing situps. He seems both ecstatic and miserable. It’s kind of a weird vibe, to be honest with you. I find it both adorable and foul, like a baby giggling while it takes a slimy green crap. Should I encourage this behavior? Raising an animal is filled with these kinds of decisions, but nobody ever tells you that.