The Fourth Judge
I Can Has Cumshotz?
Owning a kitten can be frustrating. They’re expensive, they demand constant attention, they try to eat your food, and they’ll scratch the shit out of you even when they’re not trying to (they try to).
All of those things are annoying, but for me the worst part about owning a kitten is the fact that I can no longer masturbate in peace. I live in a studio apartment and my cat refuses to let me jerk it. He walks across my laptop (inconvenient), rubs against my leg (not as sexy as it sounds), jumps on the chair (disturbing), stares at my dangling balls like they’re filled with catnip (horrifying), and if that doesn’t work, he goes to the window and thrashes the curtains until they open (embarrassing). He does all of this with an undeniably spiteful relish. I can see it in his eyes.[[MORE]]
I’ve tried putting him in the bathroom, but then all I can think about is the fact that I have an animal locked in a 4X4 cell just so I can stroke my penis. Unless you’re Josef Fritzl you can’t enjoy yourself knowing that a sentient being is being held captive somewhere in your residence. It’s impossible.
I wind up sitting around waiting for him to fall asleep so I can sneak over to the jerk zone (my desk), but 90% of the time he’s not in a deep sleep and follows me over there, and the other 10% he’ll wake up when I stub my toe or accidentally kick a toy.
The whole thing is a disaster. All I want to do is watch two women suck a peeping tom’s dick, teaching him a lesson he’ll never forget, but I can’t because there’s an evil, attention-whoring beast running around. Don’t get a cat unless you have a 1-bedroom apartment or a significant other.
I Heard What You Said in the Haberdashery
The other night on my way home from a bar I saw a group of teenagers gathered on the sidewalk. Before I could assess the situation one of the kids punched another one in the face and said, “You talkin’ shit about me on YouTube?”
I couldn’t help but wonder, if this were 10 years ago, would that kid still have got his dome piece rocked? Without YouTube, would he have had a public enough forum to make disparaging comments about the attacker? Maybe, but he definitely wouldn’t have been able to Google video search “Face Sitting,” and cakefarts.com didn’t exist yet either, so net net he’s gotta be pretty happy about the technological advances of the past decade.
Louie is the best show on television. This isn’t a joke, it’s a public service announcement. Season two started two weeks ago and it’s every bit as hilarious, heartfelt, and human (needed a third H) as the brilliant first season. I’m not sure if FX is carried outside the states, but you’re on the internet, I’m sure you can figure something out.
Go Fuck Yourself! Congratulations!
Derek Jeter has made over $200 million in his career with the Yankees, is a 5-time World Series champion, just got his 3,000th hit on a home run, and is dating this woman:
I just hope my cat sleeps long enough so I can jerk off to this picture.