The Fourth Judge

How to Make it in America, Part 1

There are a lot of very specific niche tumblrs out there, and they’re racking up the page views (I assume). I’m not above admitting that I want in on that action, so I came up with an idea for a niche tumblr of my own: photos of my jizz rags. I would either skeet on a tissue and leave it be, or crumple up the tissue and stretch it back out again. Then I’d snap a photo and run it through instagram. Fans of the tumblr would discuss what the jizz spots looked like/meant to them in the comments section. I could post a new photo every day with little-to-no effort (sometimes twice!). If I happened to have sex with a human for some reason, I could pull out and take a picture of the results.

And no, it would not be foul. It would be art, because I would write a lucid, thought-provoking mission statement for my first post.

Important note: I would not accept submissions, for a variety of reasons.

Possible Names For My New Jizz Rag Tumblr (With Commentary)

I’d Rather Sit in the Corner

Last night my friend tried to raise my spirits (I just got out of a relationship), by pulling me into a conversation with two girls at a bar. That’s fine, but he picked the two girls I was least interested in in the entire bar. By far. I actually noted them earlier in the night and said to myself, “I am not interested in those girls.”

I’m not claiming to be some Adonis (I have a concave chest and I can’t grow a full beard), but every person, man or woman, has limits, and my friend approached two women that flagrantly fell outside of those limits.

I wound up weakly feigning interest for 3 minutes before “going to the bathroom.” Then I went outside and texted him:

“boring and ugly boring and ugly boring and ugly” (I’m a charmer)

Maybe because one of his arms was in a sling, he never checked my text message, so I went back in and ordered a drink at the opposite end of the bar. I stood there for a few minutes before it became clear to me that my friend was ignoring the social cues I was throwing his way and would not disengage.

I limped back into the conversation after obviously trying to avoid doing so, only to be told by one of the girls (the greater of two evils, as it were) that she didn’t like my lack of undershirt. I was being mocked by my anti-boner.

The “flirting sesh” ended after another excruciating minute or two. Then I let my friend know that I wasn’t pleased about what just happened.

“It’s better than sitting in a corner!” he quasi-shouted.

“It’s embarrassing for everyone involved” I said to him. And it was. Have you ever been forced to hit on someone you had absolutely no interest in, then been immediately rejected by that person? It’s horrifying, like being told by the University of Phoenix to go fuck yourself with a rusty grill brush. Guys, please don’t subject your newly-single friends to this kind of misery. It’s not helping.

Street Justice

Yesterday my cat jumped in the toilet while I was pissing. Rarely do you see such stupidity dealt with so swiftly. It was delightful (he won’t be doing that again).