The Fourth Judge

In November, San Franciscans will vote on a proposed ban on circumcision. According to an article that I think I read once, most men in the U.S. are circumcised, though the “procedure” has become less common in recent years. Anecdotal, statistically insignificant evidence from my own life supports this claim, and most of the people I’ve talked to about circumcision are glad that their or their lover’s penis has undergone this operation.

I’m circumcised, but unlike the mouth-breathing, crowd-following automatons I’m friends with, I think circumcision is an abomination. Sure, people will give you all kinds of “medical” and “social” “reasons” why you should cut a large chunk of skin off of your defenseless baby’s microscopic penis, but none of those reasons hold up to even the smallest degree of scrutiny. Let’s go through them one-by-one. I think you’ll see what I mean[[MORE]]

Uncircumcised penises smell bad unless you clean them very well.

This has got to be the dumbest reason possible for wanting to cut a bunch of skin off of a penis. What’s so hard about cleaning under foreskin? Lift it up, throw some soap under that bitch and you’re good to go. Does this painstaking procedure really put a crimp in your daily hygienic routine? How much worse is your foreskin going to smell than the rest of your fat, sweaty, American crotch?

Even if it does smell a little bit funkier than a circumcised dick, your loved ones would get used it, which is the only thing that matters (cf. Your Own Farts Smell Good Corollary). Vaginas can have pretty distinctive odors, but I fucking love the way vaginas smell. You know why? BECAUSE THEY’RE VAGINAS! The Pavlov’s dog in me loves everything about vaginas because vaginas equal sex and sex equals happiness. I smell a vagina and I’m ready to stick my dick in a brick wall. Sure, the odor of a circ’d dick might be an acquired taste, but once acquired, I bet it’s every bit as delicate, balanced, and sophisticated as a fine scotch or a good batch of hummus.

Here’s another way to think about it. You know what smells no matter what, even if you clean it once an hour on the hour with a bucket of bleach and a blowtorch? Your asshole. Are you going to seal everyone’s assholes shut and give them colostomy bags at birth because humans have to shit? Fuck no you’re not, because that would be barbaric and stupid. So why in the hell are you going to cut a bunch of skin off of your baby’s defenseless penis because some prissy evangelical doesn’t want to suck his uncircumcised lover’s cock? Find a loving, open-minded boyfriend who accepts you for you, that’s what I say.

Fuck out of here with that smells bad nonsense.

Uncircumcised penises are ugly.

Forget what I said about the last justification being the dumbest one possible to circumcise your kid. This one wins, hands down, for a very simple reason: ALL DICKS ARE UGLY NO MATTER WHAT.

When people describe beauty, they use images like sunsets, snowfalls, and breasts. Luscious, shapely, bouncy breasts. Nobody ever says something is as gorgeous as a newly-risen cock, because cocks are gross and frightening and better left under the cover of shit-stained boxer briefs. Cutting off your foreskin doesn’t change that.

BUT, even if a little extra skin is a little bit uglier, WHO FUCKING CARES? Is that really enough reason to do something as drastic as cutting off part of your penis – the most sensitive part of your body? Your penis skin likes to be touched. It craves it. I don’t know about you, but there is literally nothing I like more than getting my dick tugged, sucked, licked, fucked, fondled, kissed, blown on, slathered with Nutella, or almost anything else you can think of (gently, please). If I’m getting rid of any of my penis for any reason, it’s got to be a hell of a lot better than “ew, that’s gross.”

Fuck you, it’s gross. Your soul is gross. I hope you get your asshole sealed shut by a 90-year-old Nazi doctor hiding in Brazil.

Circumcision reduces the risk of STDs.

Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

I don’t care what any medical journal says. They’re all lying sacks of shit and you know it. How is this even possible? Just think about it for a fucking second before you go cutting off your baby’s dick. First of all, you should be using a condom when you’re fucking strangers. What is this, war-torn Bosnia? And if you are using a condom, it covers your dick whether you’ve got foreskin or not.

If you’re not using a condom, foreskin actually helps your penis slide into and out of a vagina. You know why? CAUSE PENISES WERE DESIGNED TO HAVE FORESKINS! Look it up, it’s true. Maybe foreskins cause dicks to have a harder time getting into assholes without creating too much friction, but you’re a moron if you fuck a strange asshole – male or female – without a condom and you deserve to have your genes wiped from the Earth forever in a long, drawn out, AIDS-related death, serving as a deterrent to other criminally insane genes.

So how is this possible? How could having a foreskin make you more susceptible to STDs? What happens? Chlamydia hides in the fold? If that’s the case you could just wash away chlamydia, but you can’t wash away chlamydia, because that’s fucking stupid, and having a foreskin doesn’t make you any more likely to get it.

These medical journals all reverse their findings every 3 years anyway. Here’s a sample of fake headlines from the New England Journal of Medicine, in chronological order.

“Wine is bad for your heart.”

“Wine is good for your heart.”

“Actually, turns out wine kills you quicker than smoking.”

“No, wait, if you don’t drink wine you grow cilantro in your armpits.”

“Hold on. That’s not true. Drinking wine makes you handsome, successful, and charming.”

“NO NO NO NO, PUT THAT DOWN! WINE EATS HOLES IN YOUR BRAIN AND FILLS THE HOLES WITH HONEY BADGERS.”

Fuck medical journals and fuck you if you want to circumcise your kid. I’m not even going to get into the religious aspect of it because religion makes me want to strangle the kitten I just got (he’s adorable and he does this funny thing where he falls asleep between my couch cushions and I LOVE HIM WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING).

That’s all I have to say about this. If you still want to circumcise your kid I hope you prolapse your asshole trying to deadlift 6,000 pounds and someone puts it on YouTube for me to laugh at while I eat s'mores.