Knicks 95, Cavaliers 90: The Lion Lies Down With The Lamb
by James Marceda
I’m probably not going to do a write-up for every game this season. That would require a ton of work and working makes my b-hole itchy, but the Knicks just experienced the highest high possible (trolling) and I feel like celebrating.
Cheers and jeers are definitely in order, but they’re a little too olde timey for me, so let’s hand out Shmurdas and Drakes instead (Drakes are bad). I know it’s played out to hate on Drake and all but PHIL JACKSON CHANGED THE CULTURE TRIANGLE TRIANGLE TRIANGLE BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRATTTTTTT!!!!
Lebron James: Melo son’d the shit out of you, Lebron. He is literally your father. You know it, I know it, and all of Northeast Ohio – where nothing is given, and everything is earned – knows it. How does it taste? Does it taste like doo doo? I bet it tastes like doo doo. Thanks for existing, King James. Hating you feels better than accomplishing every single one of my life goals while eating jerk chicken and watching Frasier re-runs.
Phil Jackson: You did it, Phil. You changed the culture, you captured our hearts, and you solved the student loan debt crisis. Fuck the second coming, you are the ONE TRUE JESUS. That guy on the cross bit your style.
Three Shmurdas
Travis Wear: You are the Official™ LeBron Stopper and I love you. There isn’t a man alive you can’t/won’t stop. Your Grit is so True that one of the Coen Brothers just jumped into a ravine.
Also, one of my sisters isn’t married yet. She’s her own woman and can do whatever she wants, of course, but it would be totally fine with me if you wanted to date her. Just putting that out there.
Seven Hundred Shmurdas
The Guy Who Made This Vine: I’m going to go home tonight and loop this for 7 straight hours while I drink a bottle of Heaven Hill Bourbon and breakdance in a mountain of cocaine.
Marc Berman (and his ilk): Here’s one of the many aggravating Tweets Marc Berman Tweeted yesterday, but it could easily belong to any number of naysayers and ne'er-do-wells:
Kerr is 1-0 as Warriors coach. Looks like smartest guy in league for saying no to Phil. No triangle in Oakland. That may say something.
I know people like Berman and Isola are professional trolls who do this kind of thing to anger me and drive traffic, but it feels good to tell him to kiss mine and Derek Fisher’s asses in a public forum. We just won the championship of the world, Marc. How does it feel to be the DUMBEST GUY IN THE LEAGUE? Have some pie. The slice I cut for you is shaped like a TRIANGLE.
BUUUUUURN SAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!
Eight Shmurdas
Derek Fisher: Fisher’s gotten a lot of shit for not knowing what lineups he wants to use, but the Knicks are a Rube Goldberg Machine of 6th men, so it makes sense that he’d do some tinkering and see what works before settling on a rotation. Props to you, Derek, for not cowing to the pressure of the sheeple and carving a lineup in stone that you present to Travis Wear while assuming the form of a burning bush. People should be able to play their way into and out of rotations. This is America, where freedom isn’t free. You’ve gotta ice pick and rolls and keep the ball moving if you want to make it here.
Blue Moon Cinnamon Horchata Ale: I drank a couple of 25 ounce BL Smoothleys during the Chicago debacle, so I decided go for the polar opposite of Bud Light and switch up the juju. It worked. I’m a genius and the Knicks are going 81-1.
Man, that felt good. I could get used to winning basketball games and handing out Shmurdas.
In conclusion, the Knicks are winning the championship. Have a nice day, everyone.