Jon Jones Tests Positive, Cowboy Cerrone Goes Back-to-Back, CM Punk

Jon Jones in happier times, photo from his official website

by Dr. Octagon, J.D.

Happy new year and welcome back. My holdout has been a success and our scoundrel boss has conceded defeat. My contract is renewed and work continues.

It’s been an interesting couple of days in mixed martial arts. Starting with the latest news, Pound-for-pound champ Jon Jones (left) tested positive for cocaine metabolites prior to his light heavyweight title defense against Daniel Cormier on Saturday at UFC 181.

For those of you who don’t know about passing drug tests, I have done a little research on the internet courtesy of some less-than-reputable sites. Suffice it to say, it’s pretty fucking difficult to piss hot on a cocaine test compared to a test for reefer. The brain trust of Internet drug sites seemed to conclude that the devil’s dandruff stays in one’s system for only two to four days, which is why very few fighters test positive for coke as opposed to heady nugz, which can stay in one’s system for a month.  [[MORE]]

Now keep in mind, these sites that I consulted are written by drug-addled narcotics users. Also, the amount of time cocaine metabolites linger in the system of some fatass trying to get a job at Walmart and an elite athlete cutting tons of water weight might differ considerably. But it appears that Jonny Bones was most likely doing fat rails either during his weight cut or during his training camp. That’s really hard to believe, but he’s not denying it and has checked into rehab.

This issue underscores the duality of Jon Jones that pisses so many fans off. The guy’s got a Bible verse tattooed on his chest and always acts like a goody two shoes when the cameras are rolling, but he has already wrapped a Bentley around a tree, waved his dick around on the Internet and tested positive for coke before a fight. For a guy always talking about his brand, and one of the first fighters decked out head-to-toe in Reebok, this was certainly not a brand-friendly move.

All of that being said, we love watching Jon Jones fight, wish him the best in his struggle, and hope he is able to come back soon.

With that we come to the Nevada State Athletic Commission. Jones tested positive for cocaine BEFORE the fight, but the Commission didn’t see any problem with letting the fight go on. As a fight fan, I’m glad the fight went on, I really wanted to see it, but as a reasonable person, I’m wondering why they bother to test a guy for illegal street drugs before a fight if they’re not going to do anything about it.

The most plausible (but still unbelievable) justification I can find online is that because cocaine use is not banned from competition, the NSAC couldn’t stop the fight.That sounds a lot better than my initial impression, that a state agency didn’t want to kill a card that was going to bring in a ton of money into Las Vegas, but what about all those fighters suspended for smoking weed out of competition?

Apparently marijuana is banned outside of competition and cocaine is not. Not sure what genius wrote these rules, but the end result is that the fight happened and will count, unlike all those fighters who tested positive for weed and had their results turned into No Contests. That’s a good result as far as we’re concerned, but pretty unbelievable given the harsh treatment of fighters using a drug that is potentially 100% legal in their home state.

It’s almost as though these rules were written by a coke-addled local bureaucrat. If you can beat a man’s ass while using detrimental illegal drugs during your training camp, you should get two belts.

In more positive news, Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone put his money where his mouth is and offered to fill in for the injured Eddie Alvarez against recent champion Benson Henderson (who has also already beaten him twice). Cerrone often says that he doesn’t give a fuck and he’ll fight anyone, anywhere, any time and as often as possible. I guess he’s for real.

He’s going to start off 2015 fighting on back-to-back cards against two top-ten fighters in the stacked lightweight division. I think I’ve probably read about two dozen tweets about the size and metallic composition of his testicles, so I won’t go there, but I’ll just say that I hope Dana is giving him a nice bonus.

Also during my extended holiday break, the UFC signed 36-year-old professional wrestler CM Punk (CM stands for Chick Magnet). Mr. Punk has pretty much no real fight experience, as opposed to former wrestler and UFC heavyweight Brock Lesnar, who had elite amateur wrestling experience.

On the one hand, I sort of resent that MMA is inextricably linked with pro wrestling in the minds of many (including many in the press who routinely use wrestling terminology). Then again, I find it hard to begrudge people things that they love from their childhood, as I am still pretty into speed metal and comic books.

I also was lucking enough to have had parents who paid some paisan to provide us with a magical cable box that got all pay-per-views for free. So when I was a child I was able to watch the no-weight class, single digit UFCs with my younger brother, making mixed martial arts part of my childhood and molding me into the depraved, bloodthirsty human being that I am today.

CM Punk seems like a pretty likable guy and he’s good on the microphone. Most importantly, he has a ton of popularity with people willing to pay fifty bucks to watch fake fighting on television. Anything that increases the popularity of our young sport should be supported, which is why I don’t really care if the UFC puts on more of an “entertainment” fight than a fight that has actual implications for the division.

At some point, the sport will be mainstream enough that people will be willing to root for two featherweights flying around in the cage where the chance of a knockout is not much more likely than a goal in soccer. Until then, the sport needs the publicity and if CM Punk will help bringit, I don’t care if they throw him on a few pay per views against guys with no business fighting on the undercard of the World Series of Fighting.

Maybe I have a particularly negative view of the maturity of the sport because it’s currently illegal in my home state, and most of my friends think I’m some sort of animal for watching it. But from my perspective, anything that can be done to increase the popularity of MMA should be done, within reason.