Hope alla Knickerbocker
YOU have failed your parents so YOU have the fourth pick in the draft.
Nobody else but YOU deserves this. Nobody else but YOU is unloved.
There’s no “we” here. We don’t cotton to “we” ‘round these parts.
Hey, kid. There’s a dickfor on your shoulder. Just kidding. It’s the fourth pick in the draft!
Let’s try a little thought experiment, shall we? Let’s say we get the first, second, and third picks and you go fuck yourself to death. Sound good? Great.
When you die the fourth pick will not know you are rotting inside your apartment. You will be alone. You will be gross. You will be a pile of debris and your rancid stench will bother the neighbors.
What’s that you say? You want Karl Towns? You want Jahlil Okafor? OKAFORGETTABOUTIT!
/grabs crotch, spits in your face, fourth pick dribbles down your cheek
Look, I’m sure you guys will do the..
/walks into other room, closes door, laughs so hard it sounds like someone’s being murdered
Look I’m sure you guys will do the right thing and keep the pick, select the best available player without being influenced by this year’s free agency market, and develop that player until he reaches his maximum potential.
Also you’re a terrible kisser. Everyone agrees. Just terrible.
You have bad taste in music. Your penis is small. I killed your dog.
/holds up picture of James Dolan, punches your stupid fucking face with it
You look down and you’re wearing a diaper full of shit. You’re holding a lollipop. You’re bald. Your taxes are late. You have bad breath.
You’re sitting on the toilet and you hear a knock. “Somebody’s in here!” you meekly respond. The fourth pick enters anyway and laughs at how gross your shit smells. “Jesus, what are you an animal?” the fourth pick says.
You’re waiting for Chinese delivery for two hours – egg roll, singapore mei fun, hunan beef. The doorbell finally rings. You’re salivating. You’re ready to forgive and forget. You’re ready to give a huge tip cause why not, ya know? Life’s too short for grudges.
You open the door and the fourth pick kicks you right in the dick.
“Fuck you for thinking you could eat,” it says. “Also, you’re a terrible kisser. Everyone agrees.”