Bulls 104, Knicks 80: Here Comes the Soning

Carmelo and company got sh-sh-shitted on by the Bulls in the season opener at Madison Square Garden last night. Let’s talk about it.

-I like that the Knicks play Runaway during opponent introductions because I don’t like opponents and I don’t like Runaway.

-I forget Al Trautwig exists almost every offseason. Then the first Knicks game airs and there he is in full grouch mode, looking just as put upon as ever. Remembering Al Trautwig exists is like stumbling upon a porn clip you JO’d to a bunch in the early 2000s. It’s nostalgic, depressing, and doesn’t get you off nearly as much as it used to.

-At this point in the season it looks like the Knicks have about 5 good minutes of triangle offense in them a night. I think they can up that figure by 5 or so minutes a month, which seems reasonable enough, but there are going to be some serious “ouchies” and “uh-ohs” in the near future. I’m sorry to be the first one to tell you this, but the Knicks are a work in progress.

-The Blue Man Group could technically be called The BM Group, when you think about it.

-The Knicks’ defense still looks like hot garbage, maybe even hotter garbage than last year. Let’s round to the nearest whole number and call it 107 degree garbage.

-Speaking of 107 degree garbage, Tom Thibodeau is gross and sweaty and looks like The Penguin. I like to pride myself on being an open minded, empathetic individual, but I find it almost impossible to picture him not imprisoning a bunch of children in a basement sex dungeon for 18+ years, then dumping their bodies in an abandoned warehouse once they reach physical maturity.

-Doug McDermott has the helmet hair of an 8-year-old boy. He should wash his hands before dinner and keep his elbows off the table and shit. Also he looks like a penis.

-Lots of people seem to think the Taylor Swift song about New York is some sort of perversion of the city’s authenticity, as if this isn’t the place where Wall Street, stop and frisk, and 9/11 happened. In reality New York has always been where people have come to commit horrible atrocities against their fellow man. I say welcome, Taylor Swift. We’ve been waiting for you.

-I’m not saying she’s a slave trader, but Taylor Swift watching the shamefully underpaid Knicks City Dancers perform her song conjured up one too many images of DiCaprio watching mandingo fights for my liking.

-Final Swift bullet: A “Welcome to New York” parody called “Welcome to My Ass.”

-Speaking of my ass, Pau Gasol has a textbook fart sniffing face. He and Paul Pierce are easily on the Mount Rushmore of fart sniffers. I’m not sure who else belongs up there but I know for a fact that I’d like to watch Pau Gasol and Paul Pierce eat a bowlful of Carmelo Anthony’s farts with a spoon.

-I would also like to watch Joey Crawford eat a bowlful of Carmelo Anthony’s farts.

-At one point Taj Gibson was 9-for-11 in the 4th quarter. You get what I’m sayin’?

-I wore my lucky Knicks winter hat last night, which is lucky insofar as I haven’t accidentally sat on a spike and had the spike go up my ass, through my body, and out through my mouth while wearing it yet.

-I consider it a triumph that it took more than three and a half minutes for the Knicks to go down by 20 points.